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archives

the act of becoming

This category contains 18 posts

I choose hope

I told my partner that we have so many options ahead of us. I see so many paths, so many choices. I choose hope. We feel trapped. As a child, I had two recurring dreams where I was trapped, one in a local store called “Big Wheel”, and the other in my grandparents’ backyard where … Continue reading

this is why we can’t have nice things

Where do I begin? I was the only child of farming family in rural Pennsylvania. I had my first child when I was 18, my second at 23, and earned my Bachelor’s degree in the meantime. I had no clue how education connected to employment, or how to find that job. I struggled for my twenties … Continue reading

breadwinner’s dilemma

I spoke with a life insurance salesman today. I am going to purchase $600,000 worth of term life coverage. I figure within 10 years I can switch it to universal. If I live that long. I have a distinct fear of dying from this pregnancy. But I realized that if I were one of those … Continue reading

relishing the joy

I mean to relish the joy of pregnancy. My partner laughs at me, just a little, mostly shaking his head, when I say that I like being pregnant. The first 3 or 4 months I am so sick and exhausted that I can barely function. I nest for a full nine months, so part of … Continue reading

tales from the trenches

Some days you wake up ready to fight back against the heartache and the naysayers. Other days it’s rage that fills your bones, eats at your core, erasing your resolve. Still other days you have nothing left to give and no reason to pretend. Which will be today? Sunday it was rage. Most days it … Continue reading

sad

I’ve reach 24 weeks. My partner was granted his deferment for medical school, so he can stay with our family when our son is born. Our anomaly scan came back normal. I should be happy. But I feel crushed by the world’s events. A baby dying on the border. Out right racism dictating our immigration … Continue reading

heartbeats

I can feel my pulse in my fingertips. Today my David will call his new school and see what possibility there is for a deferment. Yes, he was accepted into medical school. 1200 miles from our home. Wednesday, we will have our anomaly scan for our second child. He’s 20 weeks, and I am due … Continue reading

little kicks of sadness

I have to say that I did just read one of the saddest stories I have seen in at least a long time. Maybe it is the pregnancy hormones. Maybe it is that my partner is leaving later this week for an interview out of state. Maybe it is that our earth is dying. Or … Continue reading

tectonic plates

Tectonic plates were under our feet all along, it was that we were unable to see or feel them until they moved beneath us. My own plates moved tonight. And now I lie awake feeling nauseous from the movement. I swear it’s not the pregnancy hormones this time. When I was in high school we … Continue reading

puppies and raccoons

  Puppies and raccoons fill my mind.   My friends tell me that I “can’t save the puppy”. I suppose this is technically true, but this fact does not undermine my efforts. I see a puppy and I become engrossed in saving it, often to my own detriment. And puppies have a way of finding … Continue reading